Dragon Age: A Headbangers Journey
by FenrisulfrWotanbane
Summary: Semi-SI Rated M for Language, Violence, SubstanceAbuse, MatureThemes and FlashingImages. Wait forget that last one. Sep is your pretty standard Metalhead, he goes to uni he listens to loud music, swears, drinks hard, plays hard and on occasion works hard. After a long night of fun on the bun he wakes up with a hangover and no idea where he is. can this deranged idiot survive?
1. Chapter 1: Wherever I may roam

_"__No! It wasn't a vision or a dream or a hallucination. It was real. Now, I know this is hard for you guys to believe. But I swear to you, the entire time you thought I had disappeared on P3R-233, I was experiencing an alternate reality.__" – Dr Daniel Jackson. Stargate SG1._

For every action taken in this world there are many possible outcomes. And every possible choice and action taken after that outcome increases the amount of possible realities exponentially.

That's some heavy shit to wrap your mind around at the best of times. And when you appear somewhere other than your own comfy bed after stumbling home drunk with the first rays of a Sunday morning it's especially hard… if you then find yourself sat on the bank of a river in the middle of nowhere its even worse.

For Septimus It all started as one of those legendary nights out where you can't remember a thing and wake up in a situation you have no recollection of getting into. His earliest recollection was of stumbling from his favourite club after it closing at 4am and to his usual spot for calling a private hire. After crawling into the back of the aging Ford Mondeo and mumbling the usual address everything was blank…

"ughhh my head" he moaned rolling to the side. _Why did I drink so much? I always drink too much._

"ughhh my eyes", Pathetically he edged himself onto his shoulder and cracked open his bloodshot eyes before quickly shutting them again. _Why was it so bright in here? Did I sleep with the curtains open again?_

Not for the first time in his life the dry croaking words "I am never drinking like that again. Ever.' Escaped his lips and he heaved himself off the hard, wet, mossy stone…

_Wait?_

'_Hard, wet, mossy stone'_

_What? Where exactly am I?_ Forcing himself into full consciousness Sep looked at the surroundings and cached a sight of clear blue sky's, majestic trees and gurgling water before a spasm of stomach cramps brought attention firmly back to the 'ground' which his delirious mind now identified as the top of a flat boulder besides a body of water. After voiding the putrid contents of his stomach, taking great care not to plaster the front of his clothes, and rolling a few spaces to one side. Recovering from that bout of the symptoms of self poisoning he begin to piece together the current situation. "at least I'm fully clothed" as indeed he was, Modestly dressed but making sure it was obvious where his musical and cultural allegiance lay. Awash in black his canvas combat trousers tucked into military grade boots, a heavy bikers jacket complete with the Sigil of Baphomet and the words 'GORGOROTH' and 'HAIL SATAN' sewn carefully onto the back. A sufficiently blasphemous Vital Remains shirt poked out from its unzipped front. Overall Sep was surprisingly warm in what he assumed was a warm summer's sun, it was after all august but he had no idea where he was or equally how he'd got there. _This place is nice enough _he mused, _but obviously nowhere near home what did that prick of a driver do? Dump me in the middle of nowhere?_ It wasn't anywhere near his neighbourhood. And it certainly wasn't one of the parks in the urban sprawl.

All was quiet except for the sounds of birds and the light breeze through the trees, not even the distant rumble of far off traffic was there to disturb the peacefulness.

And that to sep was worrying. "Where in the name of Odin's hairy scrotum am I?" he wondered aloud and stumbled to his feet, after taking a few deep breaths to eject stale air from lungs and calm the slight tinge of concern creeping on the back of his mind, hurriedly he did 'the check'.

_Keys?_

_Check._

_Wallet with assorted wallety things, including bus pass?_

_Check._

_iPhone and earphones?_

_Check but no signal._

_Inhaler and a full packet of Kleenex?_

_Check._

_Jewellery and watch?_

_Check._

_Am I free of any suspicious stains and injuries?_

_Check and yes._

_It seems I've kept myself in relatively good condition_ he mused clumsily climbing off the side of the rock and onto the driest section of ground surrounding it. Squelching into the mud he squinted around and after a few seconds contemplation involving the random recollection of the first verse to _'what will we do with the drunken sailor' _decided to follow the _river-stream-water-going-glug downstream-thing_ in what was assumed to be a southerly direction, hoping to find some form of human contact to point his sorry arse in the direction of home.

Sep you'd expect should probably be beside himself with worry at waking up in this situation. But the simple answer is that he wasn't one to worry about things he couldn't do something about, he'd gotten himself into this mess and he'd get himself out of it. To Sep as for the things he couldn't do anything about; well what would be the point of worrying about them?

As he walked along the river he can't help but notice that certain things just weren't quite right. To the casual gaze it appeared to be almost picturesque woodland but as more time passed he began to notice details that don't sit well in the mind. The trees weren't quite right almost as though they where some variations of the ones he was used to seeing and the flowers seem to be a mixture of the norm and several strange plants most people would never of even heard of.

After twenty minutes according to his wristwatch Sep stopped for a break and finally paid attention to the gurgling pressure in his gut. Pulling out the packet of Kleenex he pondered the area.

"Well nature calls… I just hope it's not a bad one" he sighed as he slouched over to a nearby tree that would offer some privacy for the proceedings.

As the narrator and all knowing bastard of this story I should probably offer an explanation for the underage[what are you doing reading a Fanfic rated M? go away ya wee shits.], the uninitiated and those who have some semblance of self-restraint. Well the thing about spending over 8 hours of drinking a mixture of cider, Jägerbombs and the petrol like Chartreuse is that it does nasty, nasty things to your insides, and those nasty, nasty things? Well they need to come out eventually.

"I love booze,

booze loves me.

'am havin' a shit and a massive pee,

I got go smashed I was rollin' on the floor.

Alcoholic dinosaur."

The rather jovial and awesome singing whilst buttoning up was then disturbed by something nobody could expect. A guttural, almost animal laugh broke through the air as a twig snapped, whipping the satisfied smile off Sep's face.

Frozen he looked through the leaves of the nearby bushes to see a large figure skulk through the shadows towards him slowly in the shadow of the trees and Sep realised with a sick sense of dread that the thing resembled a putrid, decaying lizard man.

And that he's covered in medieval armour.

And carrying a rather sharp looking blade.

Oh and he's heading right towards the 'modesty shrub'…``


	2. Chapter 2: Runes to my memory

**Helloooooo Boys and Girls, its FSWB here with the second instalment to this wee shenanigan. I'm sorry for the long period between the first chapter and this but the academic year is drawing to a close for me and with my last assignments due and exams on the horizon there's been little time for much else. Anyway there's been a few changes to chapter one including new descriptive parts and a few other bits and pieces, I have changed the narrative mode from first to third; simply because I prefer it and I find it easier to write in, I also think the syntax is better so definitely go give it a reread. Thanks to the people who have followed this little story so far it means a lot. If I may ask you all to try your hand at leaving a review it would be appreciated, let me know what you think so far, what you think is happening, any suggestions and guesses at what will happen and any suggestions for future chapters. Anyhoo without further adue heres Chapter2!:**

* * *

"_Hey! you're banjaxed!  
Hey! you're screwed!  
And death is coming for you!  
Trapped on an island lost at sea!  
Shipwrecked you'll cease to be!" – Alestorm._

* * *

_Oh bollocks, what the fuck is that?_

_What am I going to do?_

Panicking Sep search the ground for anything he could lay his hands on, something hard, something heavy. _Anything!_

_Oh please don't let that fucking thing see me, _but unfortunately despite his silent wishes the gatecrasher continued to head in his direction. Shambling to less than 25 feet away. _Piss off you ugly shit. Just go away._

_There!_ He silently exclaimed spotting a fair sized but manageable tree branch lying on the ground some 8 feet away. Cracked and semi-rotten it never the less would pack some weight and hopefully send crackhead over there to never, never land. While he was thinking this the ugly _thing_ seems to have gotten distracted and was sniffing the air like some kind of dog or snake, it would almost be comical if it wasn't for how menacing it seemed.

Then seemingly at random it started to turn away following some scent. _Oh thank you Freyja for being downwind_. Then without warning it turned back as a shift in the breeze catched its attention. _Fuck you Loki._

_How can I get to the branch? Will it notice? Will I be quick enough if it does?_

Sep was not terribly agile nor the quickest man in the world. Despite using dumbbells twice a day and jogging every evening too much sleeping and fast food had left him unfit even if he was still a happy weight. And despite its loping gait he was pretty sure this not-so-friendly friend was no slouch if he needs to be. The indecision was killing Sep as he waited with baited breath hoping that it would skulk on its merry way, but to no prevail as the lizard-zombie's eyes continued to scan the area. Stooping to the ground it inhaled deeply.

_It looks almost apelike hunched over like that, this is definitely not good. Is it 'tracking' me?_ Mr ugly started to gurgle softly to itself as it moved in an almost spiderlike fashion up to a tree that not long ago Sep had grazed his hand on, catching himself on the way to the 'poop site'. _No way how does he know I've been there? He can't know that._

Slowly it began to pull itself upright still emitting that wet gurgling sound from it as it's head reached the point of the tree Sep had touched before. Equally as slowly and wishing the thing would _Fuck off_ he begin to shift his weight and take a step towards the fallen branch, _I have to reach it_.

* * *

'Crack!'

"Oh you fucking cocksucker!" Sep shouted as Zombido snapped around and stared with milky reptilian eyes towards his location. He knows exactly where he was now due to his carelessness breaking a twig and the outburst. Sep was also sure his ugly mug could see him now as both where stood upright.

For Sep that moment lasted for an age then with a start fight or flight kicked in and he scarpered for the branch as the hunter came bounding towards him in almost graceful strides. Sep managed to grasp the makeshift club as a horizontal slash comes arching towards his neck. Ducking he lifted the 'big stick' to deflect the blow, which he succeeded in doing. Unfortunately for him the wooden weapon broke, with an echoing 'snap' and a shower of splinters. As the assailant lifted his sword in both hands for a downward stroke he seized the one chance he had.

_The fucking thing isn't wearing any pants!_ Sep mused as he thrust his free arm forward and up between its legs with as much force as possible.

To this the creature for all its horrid inhumanness did a very human reaction… Rolling its eyes to the back of its head and with a deep grunt it collapsed backwards, hands tightly clasped between shut legs. _OUCH! I know that feeling;_ Sep mused at the back of his mind sharing the thought of sympathy all men feel for such an incident before frantically he scrambled forward, landing on top of the creature and preceding to smack the remains of the branch into its head, repeatedly bludgeoning the already disgusting face into even more of a mess as with dull cracks the skull began to split.

Scrambling again to his feet Sep continued to kick at the unmoving creature for a few more moments, until panting he began to calm and take stock of what exactly it was, although battered beyond recognition the creature's features where still discernable; jagged fanglike teeth that to Sep seemed reminiscent of an Anglerfish and an Uruk'hai's mixed protruded from its shattered jaw line, its eye sockets seemed to of been gaunt and skull like with crusty yellow reptilian eyes sporting a glazed almost milky sheen. Deep purple blood and brain matter was leaking over its once pulsating diseased white skin mottled with yellow and green scales in haphazard groups surrounding vile pustules seeping black ichor, a few strands of wispy black hair where visible from the mess… Taken with its impressive muscular frame and its rusted and jagged equipment Sep recognised it with a sick sense of dread…

"HOLY SHITTING PROPHET ON A STICK IT'S A DARSPAWN!"

As he processed this a scratching roar ripped through the air… _There's more of them?_... Unfortunately for Sep, as is well known in Thedas. The Darkspawn. Always. Move. In Packs.

* * *

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!"

"UurrRaaaaaaarrrrgh!"

"shitttttt!"

Sep ran full pelt through the woods yelling obscenities to the sky, the forest and all the gods in general as he headed back towards the river, a small group of around a dozen Darkspawn Following his breakneck pace; the party following was mostly Hurlocks and Genlocks but Sep thought he spotted a few Shrieks darting through the bushes and low hanging branches.

Breaking through the trees Sep made his way to the waters edge intending to swim in some form to the other side pausing to consider the rivers speed. _Darkspawn can't swim that well being from underground can they?_ As he thought this his pursuers broke from the foliage and after a slight pause in the glare of the sun made to intercept their prey. For Sep this proved to be the inspiration needed to drive all doubts from his mind about the river and if Darkspawn can swim. Splashing exuberantly he waded into the water as several crude, barbed arrows wizzed past him.

_Oh great now the fuckers have bows, at least they can't aim w…_ "argh!"

Sep plunged face first into the swell a burning pain shooting from his left calf. The Darkspawn for all their apparent lack of aim had caught him with one of their twisted missiles. Rising back above the water level Sep awkwardly fought to reach the opposite bank of the shallow river teeth gritted against the throbs of pain arching up his leg. Uneven splashes indicated that the Darkspawn where tentatively pursuing, obviously intent on finishing their quarry.

Reaching the far bank Sep began to half craw-half hobble up the gentle muddy incline. Pausing only to take a look at the point the arrow had impacted and immediately wishing he hadn't. Black magpie feathers haphazardly bound to a shaft of knotted wood was the sight that greeted him sticking from the meat of his lower leg, the arrow having struck with enough force had skewered his leg in what Sep's shocked mind reflected, resembled a BBQ skewer. A change from splashing to squelching brought him from his inactivity. The fastest Darkspawn had forded the river and where upon him.

The lead Darkspawn, a squat and insanely muscular Genlock dived into him knocking the off balance Sep to the floor and clawing at his arm and preparing to strike with a mace which was little more than a solid lump of rusted iron, forged into a shaft and jagged mass. Weak from the blood loss and shock Sep offered little resistance but managed to throw the first strike to the ground right of his head. However even as he struggled he knew he was facing a violent and sudden death.

_Atleast it'll be over quickly_ Sep thought as the Genlock raised its mace ready to deliver a better aimed blow intending to finish the kill.

Yet before the creature could conclude its violence strong and equally as putrid arms sent it tumbling away and a Hurlock standing taller than its compatriots roared in a guttural, gurgling voice.

"Alll-iter senit eX-cedere Human-am respik-it, et sik koll-geris ad ma-jores Na-tu!"

Or at least to Sep that's what it sounded like. With that he found himself being dragged by the arms to his feet by two subservient Hurlocks. The Alpha for that was what it surely was spat more orders in there halting language and the party set off towards the opposite bank again. They had barely lugged Sep a few feet into the water when with a crack a shriek fell limp its head caved in from the impact of some blurred object. "Thor's blood" muttered Sep as there was a moment's pause with all eyes focused on the body of the corrupted elf-spawn before more blurred impacted, shattering limbs and cracking armour. Panicking and screeching the Darkspawn frantically returned fire with their own archers having spotted their attackers on the side of the river they where returning from. Sep however was not to see his possible rescuers as a javelin punctured the chest of one of his supports dropping it with a wrench that tore Sep from the other Darkspawn's hands. Falling face first into the shallow river and gashing his head on a large jagged flint Sep fell into unconsciousness his last thought a simple _Fuck my life_.


End file.
